(610): Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
(+44): Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
(425): 'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
(540): Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
(229): I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
(918): I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
(636): They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
(702): Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
(973): My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
(206): View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.